Olympians, Hypothetically Ranked by Name Rather Than Athletic Performance

Jessica F. Lillian
2 min readFeb 19, 2022

How likely various U.S. ski and snowboard team members are to win if they were judged solely on their names instead of their skills

Photo: https://unsplash.com/@maarten_jpg

14. AJ Hurt

Oh, no no. I’m sorry. This is just not going to work. I already shriek every time someone falls on the snow. I hope you stay healthy, though!

13. Mac Forehand

Now this would be perfect for a top tennis player. But alas, a forehand stroke seems, at most, marginally involved in ski outcomes — maybe a special ski pole grip or something? And that’s being charitable.

12. Jasper Good

Nah, mere “good” isn’t going to cut it at the Olympics. Try again in 2026 when you’re Jasper Excellent.

11. River Radamus

“River” feels more like a Summer Olympics thing. However, the “rad” is worth extra points because it sounds like something skiers and snowboarders would exclaim as they fly off a snowbank.

10. Breezy Johnson

The Olympics commentators sure talked about wind a lot, so we’ll give a decent number of relevancy points here.

9. Dusty Henricksen

Snow, powder, dust — there’s a pretty solid association for either winter athletics or a substance of which Olympics athletes certainly should not be partaking. Let’s go with the former!

8. Shaun White

See Dusty’s ranking explanation.

7. Winter Vinecki

Now you’d think someone named “Winter” would rank higher, except that in this case it’s just a first name — maybe even a carefully chosen nickname — and we do have “born with it” last-name Winters in the pack here.

6. Chase Josey

Skiing involves chasing your competitors down a hill, right?

5. Maggie Voisin

Inexplicable sophisticated ski gear brand vibes. Elegant, animal-esque. Simple silhouettes and yet it’s $450 for one pair of pastel snow pants from the Maggie Voisin collection.

4. Hannah Soar

Soar, Hannah, soar! Sure, she might have gotten annoyed hearing that from every classmate, coach, and local newspaper article since she was a kid. But with a name like that, she’s bound for skiing success and it’s a small price to pay.

3. Luke Winters

Okay, at this point, I’m going to need to see a driver’s license. This seems too convenient. But assuming it’s for real, you’re literally born for this season and everything that goes along with it.

2. Cody Winters

Any relation to Luke? One point higher just because Cody sounds more wintry than Luke.

1. Taylor Gold

I mean, come on.

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Jessica F. Lillian

Writer, editor, content strategist, plum candy fan. Comedy in Reductress, The Hard Times, The Belladonna, Slackjaw, Points in Case, and more! jessicalillian.com