Olympians, Hypothetically Ranked by Name Rather Than Athletic Performance
How likely various U.S. ski and snowboard team members are to win if they were judged solely on their names instead of their skills
14. AJ Hurt
Oh, no no. I’m sorry. This is just not going to work. I already shriek every time someone falls on the snow. I hope you stay healthy, though!
13. Mac Forehand
Now this would be perfect for a top tennis player. But alas, a forehand stroke seems, at most, marginally involved in ski outcomes — maybe a special ski pole grip or something? And that’s being charitable.
12. Jasper Good
Nah, mere “good” isn’t going to cut it at the Olympics. Try again in 2026 when you’re Jasper Excellent.
11. River Radamus
“River” feels more like a Summer Olympics thing. However, the “rad” is worth extra points because it sounds like something skiers and snowboarders would exclaim as they fly off a snowbank.
10. Breezy Johnson
The Olympics commentators sure talked about wind a lot, so we’ll give a decent number of relevancy points here.
9. Dusty Henricksen
