Olympians, Hypothetically Ranked by Name Rather Than Athletic Performance

Jessica F. Lillian
2 min readFeb 19, 2022

How likely various U.S. ski and snowboard team members are to win if they were judged solely on their names instead of their skills

Photo: https://unsplash.com/@maarten_jpg

14. AJ Hurt

Oh, no no. I’m sorry. This is just not going to work. I already shriek every time someone falls on the snow. I hope you stay healthy, though!

13. Mac Forehand

Now this would be perfect for a top tennis player. But alas, a forehand stroke seems, at most, marginally involved in ski outcomes — maybe a special ski pole grip or something? And that’s being charitable.

12. Jasper Good

Nah, mere “good” isn’t going to cut it at the Olympics. Try again in 2026 when you’re Jasper Excellent.

11. River Radamus

“River” feels more like a Summer Olympics thing. However, the “rad” is worth extra points because it sounds like something skiers and snowboarders would exclaim as they fly off a snowbank.

10. Breezy Johnson

The Olympics commentators sure talked about wind a lot, so we’ll give a decent number of relevancy points here.

9. Dusty Henricksen

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Jessica F. Lillian
Jessica F. Lillian

Written by Jessica F. Lillian

Writer, editor, content strategist, plum candy fan. Comedy in Reductress, The Hard Times, The Belladonna, Slackjaw, Points in Case, and more! jessicalillian.com