12:53 p.m.: I turn around suspiciously in three driveways. — 9:00 a.m.: I wake up from a brief refreshing nap after spending the night setting off fireworks from my apartment rooftop. Not the good kind of fun, patriotic fireworks, but the bad kind of fireworks that scare dogs and do not support America. 10:00 a.m.: I pop off a few…

You will never know peace again — Urgent upgrades needed to the dining facilities The athletic and restroom facilities are also shabby Honestly, everything has fallen into unsatisfactory condition, so your immediate support is requested Failure to meet quarterly targets The arrival of a scenic new season, with squirrels, newly bloomed flowers, and/or snow that must be…

Light up your home this winter! — BAD Lamp Emits a fine-tuned chromatic glow that will actually worsen your emotional state. Also makes you look sallow. MAD Lamp Elegantly smashable (and repairable), for when violence feels like the only answer to watching the sun set at 4:12 p.m. DAD Lamp Shuts off automatically after 15 minutes because…

My simple pleasures A crisp white tunic, washing my luxurious curls, eating grapes, playing a little Grand Theft Auto Most spontaneous thing I’ve done Okay, #humblebrag time. I’ve gotta go with becoming the Messiah. For, like, a lot of people. …

Somehow we used to make our social media ad buying decisions without consulting Congress. — “The Fortune 100 have become the economic enforcers for the radical Left. The Dems support censorship & Big Business is in bed with them trying to silence Americans.” -@tedcruz on Twitter Marketing Team, As your CEO with more than 25 years of experience, I thought I had a pretty solid…

Let us diagnose your myopia, hypermetropia, or dystopia — Welcome to the world-famous Warby Parker Home Try-On program, which lets you try on five sample pairs of our stylish eyeglasses at no charge! Our kits are popular among customers with all types of vision problems — optometric and metaphorical. Whether you’re struggling with your distance vision (a condition officially…

Wait, does matte paint need translucent setting powder? — Thank you. Thank you for your unsolicited sage guidance to me, a woman shopping alone for paint for her home she has owned for nine years and painted three times. You, sir, are an orange-aproned American hero. As I stood with my empty shopping cart in front of Aisle 40…

I’m sorry you don’t feel comfortable adding me as an Instagram friend yet, but I’ll need to just do a quick check — Hey! It’s been great getting to know you on this app and I’m excited for our first date next week. One quick thing, though — would you mind adding me as a friend on Instagram? And Facebook, too? It’s no big deal. Just for verification purposes. …

Make it last all night, or not — First, what’s your favorite way to spend your nights? A. Standing all alone on the balcony, hearing the cars roll by B. Awake, singing to the birds C. Reading by candlelight and then going to sleep, dreaming of churning butter and traveling in a covered wagon 2. Let’s go back…